Grandpa and his cats

Those of you who have read some of my posts on LE about my grandfather know that although he passed away years ago, he is still my hero and always will be. It is important for me to keep the memory of my grandfather alive. As hard as my poor grandfather tried, I am sure I learned very little of what he tried to teach me. I do want to pass on what knowledge and wisdom I managed to gain from him though. To this end and to honor my grandfather, I tell my son stories and anecdotes about him frequently.

My grandfather was not a well educated man but he was probably the most intelligent man I have ever known. He did not study philosophy or the great schools of thought but he was the wisest man I have ever known. He was practical, provincial and immensely patient. All of these characteristics added up to the greatest mentor a boy could ever have. I am fortunate to have had him at my side as I grew up. He may be gone these many years but to me, he is still at my side and I will do my best to make sure he is at my son’s side as he grows up as well.

My grandfather was a great problem solver. He could take family disputes and find equitable resolutions. He could take an emotional difficulty and with a story or words of encouragement, could strengthen your spirit and resolve. He could take a mechanical problem, apply some thought to it and find a solution even though many people may have already tried and failed to work it out.

Fast forward from my grandfather to my 11 year old son a few days ago. He and I were working on modifying a piece of furniture for his room. If I was resourceful and could figure out this modification it would make a nice addition to his room and it would make my wife very happy... always a plus.

I knew it could be done or at least I figured it could be done without too much of a fuss but I just couldn’t quite formulate a plan. Part of the issue were very small nails already driven into the piece that I wanted to remove. They had been driven almost completely into the wood, there was no way to remove them that didn’t damage the wood.

As my son and I went about this, I became stumped I said out loud, “come on grandpa, help me out”. I knew that my grandfather would easily find a solution. I could tell it amused my son when I said this so as any good parent will do, I seized on something that made my son smile and used it repeatedly.

I really needed to remove the nails without damaging the piece. I also needed to plan out the last of the technical details for constructing this piece and I was starting to wonder if I could get this done and make it look nice. Again I said “come on grandpa, help me out”. This time my son said something that surprised me and made me happy also. He said “I bet you wish you had some of his cats right now”.

Well, in reality my grandfather’s cats were there. They were there because my son had, in that moment, summoned something from my past. Something that my grandfather used to say when I was growing up. One of his little sayings that proved to be very true. Something I had told my son several times and always hoped the he would someday understand. Still knowing he has no idea the full scope of the saying, never the less he has taken it to heart and understands the basic idea.

Now back to those cats of my grandfather’s. My grandfather would often allow me to try and do things on my own. He would watch as I would try and try something the same way over and over and not be able to get it done. Then he would gently offer his advice that came from a lifetime of experience. The way he would often offer his advice was to get me to start using my brain.....something I frequently forgot to engage.

His introductory saying to a situation I was trying to solve would always be.... “there is more then one way to skin a cat”. I would just like to say now that no cats were harmed in the making of this provincial saying. Nor did my grandfather go around actually skinning, actual cats. What he did do was teach a young, headstrong boy to stop and consider difficulties, obstacles and problems from more then one angle. What I have done is realize he was talking in a much broader sense then what I originally gleaned from this saying.

He taught me to stop, to think and to apply my mind to the world around me. To things I may encounter that may appear to need resolving. To look at situations from something as simple as wiring a light switch to as complex as getting along with your fellow human being through this simple saying. I learned there really is more then one way to skin a cat. There really is often more then one solution, more then one way of doing things, more then one opinion. Sometimes opening your eyes and your mind to a solution you might not think of at the outset is better then being stubborn working twice as hard and not using your intellect.

Here is the fly in this cat ointment however, in the midst of my toil my grandfather might very well tell me “there is more then one way to skin a cat”. He would just be checking to see if I had weighed my options in coming to the solution I was working on. Sometimes I had thought about what I was doing, sometimes I hadn’t. Sometimes I was doing it the right way, sometimes I wasn’t. Sometimes I was doing it the easy way but my grandfather would show me that the “easy way” wasn’t necessarily the “right way”.

Forethought and insight are required before you jump into action and “fix” something, only to discover your solution caused more problems in the long run because you took a short cut. Sometimes doing things the right way is harder then doing them the easy way. As I was growing up my grandfather had his hand on my shoulder guiding me in that respect. Sometimes I took the hard road because it was the right thing to do. Sometimes I took the hard road because I was thoughtless and stubborn.

As my son is growing up and we work on projects together, when we come to an impasse or we come to an unforeseen problem, I will ask his input. I will usually tell him a story of my grandfather telling me “there is more then one way to skin a cat”. He laughs, out of amusement or obligation I don’t know. I know we work well together and he is always quick to learn a new skill. I know he enjoys solving problems with me. It made my heart happy when he chimed in about my grandpa’s cats. I knew, at least for a moment, that a lesson my grandfather started me on many, many years ago is now taking hold in my son.

I know, as a father, I walk that fine line of letting him test his wings and come up with solutions and of spreading my own wings and catching him safely as I guide him gently to the correct answer when needed. I also know that as I raise up my son, I have hopes and dreams he will be a good man. He will be kind, loving, compassionate and intelligent. He will treat others with dignity and respect. He will know how to use his mind. I have hopes and dreams he will know, even though it may not be the easy thing, when and how to do what is right. I know through out my son’s growing years and probably into his adult years I will be saying inwardly, “come on grandpa, help me out”. I am just as sure, inwardly, it will be answered by my youngest son’s happy, loving voice saying “I bet you wish you had some of his cats right now”.

Veterans Day: Monday November 12, 2007

I have tried and tried since yesterday to write something appropriate for today's post but I cannot come up with anything. For all my ability to blather on in mind numbing fashion about things that are generally not important, I fall flat on my face in failure as I try and express my feelings today. I just keep thinking about my very dear friend Bill. I guess everything I have to say is etched in the scars of his face from an explosion that almost took his life.

Today I should be interviewing someone for a story. I just don’t have the internal fortitude. But today, Bill, I think about the first time I saw you. I think about that smile of yours. I remember how I instantly knew most of it was just out of place. I close my eyes and in my mind I place my hand gently on your aging face. I feel the jagged outline of a scar. I feel the wrinkled skin drawn tight over the side of your forehead. My fingertips receive a sudden and cold impersonal shock as I touch the patch that covers what was once an eye. I know you are still self conscious about it. I imagine you would wince a bit as I touched the inflamed jagged lines that cross from the side of your face down your neck. I know they have healed but they seem to hold so much pain. I am sorry you lost your youth, your innocence and so much more. I can see the look on your face as you have shared with me the hell you endured. I can see the pain and anguish as if you were there all over again. I am sorry you left that 18 year old boy back in a country you had never heard of. I am sorry he did not return, but instead he sent home an aged, battered, scarred and cynical old man. A man that would none the less make the same sacrifice all over again. To the man I have come to call by the term brother, I am sorry it was you and not me, I love you that much.

This day is not about left or right, republicans or democrats, liberals or conservatives. This day is about the untold numbers of men and women, kids mostly, who have given of themselves what no one has a right to ask.

To all the men and women who have served, or are serving our country in time of war, I give a solemn and heartfelt thank you.

Otter

Things we forget

Two days ago I was standing on the beach watching my son play in the water. We had just spent a couple of hours exploring the tide pools and just having fun. There was an elderly man throwing a ball for his dog. The dog was vibrant, full of energy and very enthusiastic. The dog came and wanted to play with me and I asked the owner if it was okay. He said yes and with that I had a new friend.

I threw the ball several times for the dog and then threw the ball back to the owner. The owner and I started making small talk about the dog, the weather etc. Soon the man seemed to want to do more then just make small talk. He started getting more detailed and talking on a deeper level.

During the conversation the man started relating details of his life to me. His wife had passed away less then a year ago. They were in the middle of building a house together near the beach. The dog belonged to both of them and she had loved this dog, a three year old Black Lab mix. They would both take the dog to the beach and play for hours.

His wife had commented on several occasions how she wished she could have one tenth of the dogs energy at her age. The man said that age and medical problems had stolen a lot of vibrancy and youth from his wife but she somehow seemed more agile and younger when she was with the dog. He looked at the dog at this point and smiled. I am sure he was recalling a memory of his wife. He stayed there with his thoughts for a moment and I did not intrude.

By this point in the conversation I was just nodding and maybe agreeing with him here and there, just to keep the flow of the conversation going. I did not want to interject anything of my own. This moment was obviously dedicated to the memory of someone I had never even met but was getting a glimpse into her life. It had become more of a narrative about him and his wife and the life they shared. About the happiness and good times he missed so much. It had become a very touching story about the best friend he lost.

He never broke stride as he spoke and continued to throw the ball for his dog. He seemed unable or unwilling to stop throwing the ball. The dog didn't mind but I think he was just afraid to break that cycle. This was a way for him to be with his wife, his best friend, even for just a fleeting minute or two in the haze of ocean mist. The dog would go and chase the ball and come back and leave again. This man was looking out over the water as he spoke mostly. I am sure he was seeing her just as beautiful as the day they met.

The magic had been broken, his gaze drifted back from the ocean and after a bit the conversation slowed down. He told me bits of information about the dog again. He told me how he was on this beach at the same time every day. He told me I could come here and talk to him again if I wanted. He told me about the colors of the rooms in the house. He told me why she had picked each color. We again fell into the polite and cordial surface level conversation shared by strangers who chance to meet while on the beach.

I said my goodbyes and turned to leave. I am a person who usually keeps a fair amount of personal distance between myself and others. This man reached out and grabbed my shoulder as I turned to leave and some how it didn't bother me in the least. It was a natural thing for him to do and I understood. With tears in his eyes he said "thanks for listening to an old man, I try to forget how lonely I am". I shook his hand and assured him I was grateful that he shared his life with me and then I left.

I am sure I will go look for him again. I am sure a friendship will develop out of this and if it doesn't, I am sure I have met this man for some reason. I have a responsibility to allow things to play out and figure out why.

Now, back to the title, Things We Forget. I forget that a small amount of kindness is all most of us are looking for. I sometimes forget that the sad looking young woman checking my groceries at the store, the bright eyed teenager at the coffee house or the old man on the beach each have their own story to tell. Each of them may just need a few minutes of my time. Each of them may need just a small and tender human touch to know that they are still valid, that they are still acknowledged. This poor man that I met, trying to forget he is so lonely, maybe if more people took the time to talk to him, he wouldn't be so lonely and he wouldn't have to spend his time trying to forget.

A day of mushrooms

I spent the day walking in the forest just taking pictures. Most of what captured my fancy today was mushrooms. None of these are edible but I found them interesting. Click on the images for a better quality view.

The dad gift

Sometimes when we think we are making the least amount of impact on a person we may later find that a single kindness touched someone more then we realize. Case in point, the dad gift. What is a dad gift you may ask? Well I should probably say right now I do not mean to insinuate it is exclusively something a father can get, I am sure mothers, friends and siblings can get this type of gift as well.

I have a son who is an adult, he and I have a great relationship now, it has not always been that way. I have been an avid hiker and outdoorsman all my life. My son was never really interested in hiking and outdoor survival but he enjoyed camping. One time several years ago he and I went on a camp out and we had a great time. Things had been rocky between us and shortly after this trip things went from bad to worse.

During this camping trip I was teaching him several methods of starting a fire. I showed him a magnesium and flint tool that I always carried with me in my outdoor gear. It can start a fire even in fairly wet conditions. He was able to successfully start a fire with it on this trip and he was filled with a sense of accomplishment. He talked about it the rest of the trip. I gave him my fire starting tool and told him to keep it in his outdoor gear so he will always be safe.

That was the last time he even spoke civilly to me for quite some time. Our relationship has healed since then and he and I are very close and always do things together. He has been asking to learn more about the outdoors and I have been going on many outings with him. He is not quite comfortable alone in the woods yet but he is getting there.

Yesterday I was out in the woods about 12 miles away from the nearest paved road. My youngest son and I were out taking photographs and picking a few mushrooms. My oldest son happened upon us just as we got started. We had a great time and It was about one hour before sun down before we decided to leave. We found there was a problem with my car and I could not start it. My oldest son was going to have to take my youngest son back to town and get something I needed.

I knew it was going to get dark and very cold shortly. I have plenty of food, blankets, extra clothing etc. in the back of my car any time I go out to the woods even if I think I will only be there a day. So safety wasn’t a real issue. I could see however that my oldest son was worried. I told him I would be safe. Just drop his little brother off with mom and come back out for me.

He still was uneasy, he knows I have stayed in the woods overnight by myself a million times. He just felt like he was leaving me and he felt bad. He then got into the trunk of his car and came out with the fire starting tool I had given him long ago. He placed it in my hand and sheepishly said: “I have always carried this with me since you gave it to me. It’s probably silly”. When I realized what it was I am sure my eyes were watering up, I know his were. He told me to make a fire if it gets too cold.

He left with his little brother and I was left alone in the stillness of the late afternoon forest. I thought about what had just transpired and the more I thought about it, the more I realized he had bothered to keep that small token with him through good and bad times. This little thing was very important to him. Important enough that when he felt I needed to be comforted, he gave it to me. I could tell it held a lot of emotion for him as he handed it to me.

My son gave me a gift the other day, not something of great monetary value, but something much more important than that. He let me know that perhaps I have been a good father to him all these years. Perhaps the words and advice have given him comfort through all the times when I thought he wasn’t even listening.

I think sometimes we touch those around us even when we feel ineffective. I held on to that fire starting tool while he was gone. Not so much because I thought I might need a fire, but because my son had given me a gift, an affirmation that I am loved as a father and I have done a good job.

I am sure this happens for mothers, friends, siblings and any other type of personal relationships you can have. It made me realize again how there is always hope.

Otter